Sunday, May 15, 2011

How to Pick a Table at a Self-seating Restaurant

After many weeks of not writing a new blog devoted to the art of choosing I chose to finally write my next blog. Due to considerable amounts of coaxing from several sources I decided to devote it to one of my families most discussed subjects..Picking a table at a restaurant. It is a very complicated subject and the amount of times I've gotten up and moved locations that lesser educated people on the subject had chosen is a number too large to be worth mentioning. No I'm not rude(Unless I haven't which case, avoid at all costs). I merely have a higher level of care for a humans wellbeing and I believe strongly in the degree of happiness derived from sitting and eating in comfort.

I spend a considerable amount of time in restaurants. Among my favorite quick-eat places are Qdoba, Chipotle and Jack in the Box. I have refined taste buds that have been developed over years to appreciate the simple things in life. One of those things is cheap food. Enjoy your 15 dollar salad. I'll take my processed meats and over-salted fries to the bank someday for that Aston-Martin in the last Bond flick. One of the things that enables me too eat less than healthy foods with the same level of enjoyment is my good choice of locale. With that being said here are my tips to getting the most out of any dining experience.

Avoid People
The only way I can see this rule ever being broken is if you seriously think your ability to laugh and talk loudly is really going to get that cute girls attention in the table next to you. As a fellow loud laugher and talker let me tell you..It never works so just keep walking and hit that table in the back corner where you won't have to deal with her potentially annoying voice and even more annoying talking-on-the-phone-while-I-eat habit. The more people you are near the more likely someone else is to sit near you. It's like that parking spot 10 cars from any other car that you so wisely take that by the time you get back to your car from shopping at World Market has been beset on both sides by Hummers(Maybe I'll cover parking spots in a future post.) People will also bump into you, drop food on you, ask you for a chair or loudly interrupt your conversation for any number of likely unreasonable and useless reasons.

Face the Entrance
Who wants to face a wall? All you have to look at then in your frequent moments of utter panic that you have no idea what the person across from you is saying is the oddly spackled patterns of flowers on the wall which..really..truly..honestly do look better from fifty feet away. If you face the entrance you can assess any potential dangers as soon as they enter. You can instantly get a feeling for what you might have to deal with should someone decide to sit next to you(heaven forbid) and also judge the level of noise that that party of twelve that just entered might bring to your conversation.

Avoid Entrances, Exits, Soda Machines and Bathrooms
Foot Traffic. It's all about foot traffic. If you are by any of these you are increasing the number of people who will go by you exponentially. If I were to create a priority list it would go in the exact order I just put it as. Everyone enters the restaurant plus the x amount of people who come in and leave. Everyone who eats has to exit. Most people who eat have a soda and then last of all a few people use the bathroom. If possible avoid these situations.

Do not sit in the aisle
The last rule I wish to give unto you is that of not sitting in an aisle. If you can sit in a booth or table against a wall you're much more likely to enjoy your stay. You have a wall to put your bags against where people will not be kicking it. You won't have people walking behind you and beside you the entire time. I trust you to make good judgment on choosing the best aisle seat after reading this article if you have no choice.

If you haven't sensed my theme yet...I'll make it clear.. Watch out for people.. They want to make life as easy for themselves as possible. If we lived in a world full of considerate people who cared about not banging doors and noisily opening wrappers during a movie we wouldn't have any of these problems. My job is to make your life as easy as possible in a world that is only concerned with itself. In turn you will succeed in making everyones life better without them knowing it. I cannot think of a much more noble thing to do than that. I hope you can all choose not only the best train seats but now the best tables at a restaurant. Here's the quote I will leave you with and thank you for reading.

"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil."

Jerry Garcia


  1. Excellent and thought provoking post.

  2. I love this and completely agree. These thoughts quickly run through all of our heads upon entering a restaurant as we assess where to seat ourselves.